I had a secret. My first kiss was not with a boy, but a girl. I wasn’t supposed to kiss girls, let alone desire them in that way. I was only allowed to be attracted to boys for someday I would marry a boy and we would have a house full of children, as God intended. I had absorbed that belief in my indoctrination classes at church since infancy.

Filled with horrific shame and the fear of discovery, I tucked that away inside me, never to tell a soul, and continued to live my life

And I knew that I had to keep that my secret forever and never tell another soul because I was created wrong. I was deficient, a freak, an other. Contrary to the teachings I received and the shame I felt for knowing that deep inside me I was not like anyone else, I developed a crush on a girl in high school. I didn’t even have a word for what that experience meant for me so I just believed that I was her friend and enjoyed being around her. I remember her long dark hair and the smell of sunshine on her skin and how I would be filled with nervous butterflies every time I was near her. Beautiful and funny, I learned so many things about life from her. I didn’t even understand that I had fallen in love with her for if the frame of reference wasn’t available, how could I have put words to what had happened to me?

Filled with horrific shame and the fear of discovery, I tucked that away inside me, never to tell a soul, and continued to live my life in the correct way. I followed the script that was laid out before me... marriage, children, and family... long before I was prepared or ready to be an adult. Yet, in spite of all I believe and lived, I understood deep down that nothing I did could ever change who I was inside. So I worked, I believed, and I buried.

After years of soul crushing self denial, I finally gave myself permission to ask the question...

Also attracted to men, I fell in love with and married a man, and enjoyed my married, sexual life... so confusion reigned over my high school love. Was it a phase? Something that would never be repeated again? I was alone in my world. Of course society might be able to understand... but the world was an evil place... a real Sodom and Gomorrah... so while I would find sympathy from strangers, I feared that those who mattered to me would never accept me. For them it would be explained away as something dirty, ugly, and sinful... not natural. I told myself that I just appreciated women’s beauty and any attraction I felt toward another was pushed aside. Deny, deny, deny.

After years of soul crushing self denial, I finally gave myself permission to ask the question...

Was it true?

Questions and curiosity had always been permitted, though only within the religious structure that was set forth. To embrace other possibilities was to open pandora’s box. Did someone own the rights to truth? Did anyone else get to define who I was? Or was it found within me? I had to be me... I had to be free... or my soul would stay in bondage.

Did someone own the rights to truth? Did anyone else get to define who I was?

I discovered that the teachings that had been ingrained since childhood were no longer true for me. It was perfectly natural for me to fall in love with men and women. I could lean into connections and relationships, open to the possibility that the heart can hold more love than it can push out. I could accept that we are all screwing up along the way as we try to find our own truth. I could appreciate the beauty of a person and love them, regardless of whether a religion or society has told me I should or if their gender was the ‘correct’ one. I could stop following rules that harm me.

I fit many labels before my awakening... often for the benefit of others within the heteronormative society I was conditioned to accept. I identify with many labels now within the LGBTQ+ community... often to the detriment of those who do not understand... but my soul is free.

I don’t belong in a box.